Let’s See How Far We’ve Come: The End of the ‘09 Season

I put off writing this post as long as I could, a combination of the level of business that accompanied my transition out of the season and the simple fact that I didn’t quite know what to say. It’s been a rollercoaster of a year, which required some legitimate reflection on my part about everything I’ve done since March 24th. The question that begs asking is: was it worth transferring?

I have a piercing memory that survives in my mind.

It is of driving away from Colorado College for the last time in May after a hasty round of somber goodbyes with my teammates, something I could not bear to do as sincerely as I should have. My life was packed away in the car, and as trite as it sounds I felt like I was leaving my life behind as I took one long last look at Washburn field and the scoreboard I could never put points up on again.

So much has taken place in the months since I left Colorado College for the last time as a student.

The early parts of my summer were agonizing; as I got acclimated to my internship in New Jersey, I spent many an hour thinking and praying about where I should go to school next. I stayed up late at night getting calls from one coach that swung me in his school’s favor, only to be immediately called by the other coach, changing my favor towards his school. There was a long weekend when I got about 20 texts a day from Grinnell football players, which only made the decision at hand more painfully clear in my mind: should I go with my head (Occidental) or my heart (Grinnell)? At one point I suddenly felt an overwhelming peace wash over me as something deep inside of me decided to choose Grinnell.

From that point forward my life was dedication. I spent my time alone on the east coast supremely focused, spending my days working my tail off at NFL Films, driving to the weight room, changing out of my work clothes in my car next to a New Jersey highway, pounding out extra sets of squats with unemployed gym rats looking on, then driving to a middle school to run extra 20 yard marathon sprints in the oppressive South Jersey heat. I came home in time to gulp down some protein, cook a healthy planned dinner, do some yoga and core work punctuated with study of Grinnell’s playbook, all capped off with 9 hours of sleep.

I didn’t spend my Saturdays out drinking; I got in an extra workout. I spent the 4th of July watching the last two Super Bowls on my computer and dreaming of greatness. I knew what I was up against - I had to come in and learn the finer points of a completely different offense than the one I excelled in at CC. I wouldn’t be satisfied with just playing, as I had precious little time left in my college football career. I wanted to dominate.

I flew home a mere six days before I had to report to fall camp in Iowa. I spent the time putting my final mental preparations in place for what would become one of the toughest camps of my 11 years playing football.

Adjusting to Grinnell’s offense proved to be no easy task; the offensive line technique requires a finesse that took me half the season to truly feel comfortable performing. I also struggled immensely with the emotional baggage that came with the constant realization that I was no longer playing with my CC teammates. I admit that I struggled during the early parts of the season perhaps as much as I ever have with anything in my life.

At times, we also struggled as a team this year. We lost four games by 7 points or less, and three of those letdowns were our first three games of the season. It added to an unbearable losing streak of games I’ve played in that went back to the middle of my senior year of high school. But although we struggled, we never gave up. Not in a single game, no matter how much we were up or down, we never stopped fighting. And neither did I.

When I slowly left the field for the last time of 2009 after losing to Beloit, I felt disappointed. In my mind, I hadn’t quite lived up to the high standards I set for myself months ago in New Jersey. But as I spent time reflecting and praying the next day in church, I came to be at peace with what I’ve done this season. I can say with every fiber of my being that I gave all that I had to give to this team, and that I left it on the field. And whether or not I received an All-Conference nod like I did my freshman year, I knew that I could be proud of what I’d done.

Today I received a reward for all of the adversity that I’ve gone through this year. I was indeed selected as Honorable Mention All-Midwest Conference. I am prouder of this accomplishment than of any other so far in my lifetime, because it represents not only my struggle, but those who fought alongside me and pushed me onward when I was ready to collapse. We are warriors, and I am proud of how hard we fought.

Throughout it all, football was a lifeline. The family here at Grinnell is as strong as any I’ve ever been a part of. This year was (and still is) the toughest I’ve gone through in my life, but thanks to those around me I can call it my most formative year yet as a student, as a football player, and as a man. It helped to heal the wounds that ran deep into my soul. I’ll never forget losing my family at CC, but having a family here helps me to embrace the pain and keep moving forward with love in my heart.

So now, as I listen to the freezing rain popping on my window during a cold November night in Iowa, many months later after another season of football and another year of life, was it all worth it?

Absolutely.