As I made the familiar drive into the heart of campus last Thursday, a confusingly wide range of emotions washed over me. So much had changed since I rode the other way in May, taking one last look at Washburn Field but trying to keep my thoughts away from the pain of leaving.

In one year, Colorado College Football had become one of the sole focuses of my waking consciousness. Now, many months after leaving CC for the last time as a student, I couldn’t help but think of how this time around a different person was taking exit 143 onto Uintah Street.

Two hours earlier I had set out on a pilgrimage in my decrepit ‘92 Camry. A box of Cheez-Its, a Gatorade and a GPS device served as my collective co-pilot. My aim was to spend some time hanging out with some of the guys who stayed behind for one reason or another, the guys who were surrounded daily by reminders of what they no longer have.

I figured that in the process of doing this I’d be able to reflect further upon my life since March 24th. I was able to figure out a piece of the puzzle during my first semester at Grinnell, but a true test of how things have changed for me would be my feelings upon returning to campus. I didn’t know how I would react to seeing the same surroundings I had spent quite a bit of formative time in. I was happy with my decision to transfer to Grinnell, but had no idea what suppressed thoughts might bubble up and run over.

Beneath an uncharacteristically cloudy sky I found a rare parking spot right next to the El Pomar Athletic Center, the dumpy building that I was supposed to see renovated in my time at CC that couldn’t even sustain the teams it housed. I considered going inside to talk to the athletic director, but decided that I had little else left to say since I last spoke with him; instead, I made my way towards Washburn Field to reflect on the many hours I had spent sweating and bleeding into the rubber-filled turf. As I observed a lone lacrosse player practiced shooting on a fraying net, I also noticed the lack of field goal posts on the field. They get taken down each year for lacrosse, but this time they were gone for good.

I met a few guys at the dining hall for lunch, and the further immersion in once-familiar surroundings felt alien to me. The more time I spent on campus, the stranger things felt to me. I remembered this place once being a home to me, but now it felt like a distant moonscape. Other than the familiar faces of friends, the place felt hostile.

While I was happy to swap stories with my old teammates and catch up on our different lives, I couldn’t help but think how at home I now feel in rural Iowa. I knew that I had made the right decision when - in the very moment that Ken Ralph told us our football program was over - I chose to leave Colorado College.

As I made the nighttime drive back up I-25, I tried to reflect on where I am now versus where I was at CC. Since March 24th - a short time that has felt like an eternity - I know that I have become a better football player (earning All-Conference a second time), a better student (with better grades than I had with CC’s block plan), and a better man. And for this, despite the adversity I’ve faced, I’m thankful.

The pain is still there, mainly because on my visit I saw the ongoing struggle my buddies are going through to find themselves in the confusion of a drastically altered collegiate experience. It was something I could hear in their voices; a bitterness that still resides in their souls. Several times I would remark on something new the school had installed on campus, to be met with “Yeah, they came into some money recently. About $700,000.” The $700K, of course, was the budget room gained by cutting our program.

I still share their bitterness towards the college, and I still miss them every day, but I’m glad that I don’t have to share their level of burden in the experience. I’ve forged my own path, and I’m excited to see where it leads.

Questions? Comments? E-mail me at chris [at] thed3experience.com. All original material copyright © 2008-2010 Chris Jarmon.

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Posted: 01|17|10 at 9:27 pm. Filed under: My Life as a D3 Player.
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